Why I Became a Pagan

I get this question a lot, both from Pagans and Non-Pagans. Pagans tend to ask because it often leads to some interesting insights into a person's background, hobbies, beliefs, experiences and so forth. Non-Pagans tend to ask because they want to know why you decided to sign up to the Devil's email address! I am, of course, joking. Non-Pagans tend to ask because they often know very little about Paganism and are curious.

In all my experience with other Pagans, I've tended to see a good deal more thought and time spent on making a decision to be a Pagan. If you asked me why I became a Christian, I would say I didn't really have much choice in the matter. I attended a Church of England primary school, I sung hymns daily, read from the Bible and said my prayers. Everyone else was doing it and for the other Non-Christian kids they had to stay outside the Hall. Sometimes I thought they were lucky not to have to attend boring assemblies. Only now do I appreciate how lonely and isolating those times must have been for them. My religious education (if it can be called that!) was severely lacking. I know very little about Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Sikhism and a multitude of smaller faiths. The only thing I remember from primary school was a story about the Prophet Muhammad comforting a crying Camel, and then drawing a picture of that (which I have since learned you are not meant to do...Sorry).

When I went onto secondary school it did not get much better, more attention was paid to the stories of the Hindu religion, a basic view of Sikhism and constant Christianity throughout. As fascinating and beautiful as those stories are, and as interesting as Sikhism was, I would've preferred learning something more about the basic principles of all the religions. I live in a country with a wide range of different religions and cultures, the fact I know so little about any of them feels rather shaming to me.

But I digress, I'll return to my main explanation. There is rarely one reason why a person chooses to become a Pagan. Everyone will walk down a different path and take different ways. Being a Pagan, well being any minority, is often difficult and complex. There is no right or wrong way to discover Paganism or to be a Pagan. But first I shall give some simple reasons as to why and then go into more depth further along.

• My Family
• My Reading
• My Experiences as a Christian
• My Experiences as a Atheist/Agnostic

My Family

My father originally came from a Catholic background, with accordance to his Anglo-Irish heritage. I am unsure where along the lines he decided to abandon his Catholic faith, but he has always been fascinated by science. He is a firm believer in evolution, the big bang and gravity. He's always taught me to respect nature, to take long walks, to appreciate where the food on the dinner table comes from. Knowing that food doesn't start out as nice slabs of pink meat wrapped in plastic, is the start of respecting the Earth and what she provides. 

He is rather critical of the Catholic Church due to the negative influence of the Church in Ireland. My Great-great Aunt was taken into a Catholic children's home, at the age of thirteen. We believe she was abused by the local Priest, became pregnant and was, of course, branded as a whore and blamed for her sinful nature. We know the nuns treated her awfully and forced her to give up the child. She was rescued by her sister, brought to England and it was never mentioned by my family again till much later.

My mother hasn't had much religious influence in her life. While my Granny has moments of suddenly remembering what a conservative Christian she is (I got in trouble for saying OMG!), they're both feminists, pro-choice, liberals. I've grown up around incredible, strong women. Half the time it's exhilarating and the rest terrifying, but it has made me who I am today and I will always be grateful for that. It got me the title of 'opinionated bitch who always has to be right.' or as I like to call it 'A Feminist'.

This caused a conflict between what I was being taught at home, and what I was being taught at school. While I was being taught at school to be a good girl, keep my legs crossed and wait till marriage, my mum was teaching me you can do whatever you like when you're older, as long as you keep yourself safe and healthy. While I was taught being a Christian was the only right thing to be, my mum and dad were teaching me all other religions were right too and didn't deserved to be belittled. While I wondered why there was slaves, infanticide and holy wars in the Bible, my parents were teaching me all these things were wrong.

My Reading

I read voraciously as a child. I especially adored Fairy Tales and Myths & Legends, I  practically became addicted to Greek and Roman mythology. In my adult life I still enjoy reading mythology, and looking further into historical fiction and fantasy. I've also studied historical periods, essays on psychology, feminism, religion and so on. My reading has fueled my interest further while I progressed through college and then onto university. It has been something that has guided my reading of most texts. My reading of Ancient Greek texts lead to my beliefs in the Ancient Greek Pantheon. While my reading of the Bible highlighted the many issues and problems within, that I was not meant to view as problems when I was a Christian.

My Experiences

When I was a child I was bullied daily, I had petit mal epilepsy and social anxiety. I became heavily reliant on Christianity to save me from my predicament. At first my beliefs guided me to think that as I was such a good Christian that I should be saved, that I was deserving of saving. If Christians had to suffer then I was certainly suffering, therefore I would receive God's grace. I prayed every night, asking God to bless my mother, my father, my brother, to feed the hungry, heal the sick and to stop the bullies who found every possible way to make my life miserable. When this didn't happen my thought then turned to whether I had done something wrong. Perhaps even in a past life. God was punishing me because I had been wicked and I deserved what was happening. Even now as I write this, this train of thought seems absolutely fucking crazy. But it led me, combined with the bullying and the tiring and emotionally draining medication I was on, to become suicidal. I was nine years old and I believed God wanted me to feel that way. But I had no way out, as suicide was a sin.


Just before I left my school I decided God was not answering my prayers, there was no God willing to help me and so I became an Atheist at the age of ten. On my last day of school I received a Bible and I couldn't help thinking, as I shook my headteacher's hand, 'How ironic!' I left school and realised there was no one to help me, bar myself, my friends and my family. I could not rely on any God, I had to rely on myself. This is something I've taken beyond being an Atheist, as a Pagan I still see it as vitally important that a person is able to rely on themselves and not seek out some grand metaphysical being to deal with all their problems. But being a Pagan has taught me so much, that being a Christian did not. I've learnt that loving myself is not a sin of pride, but a necessary way of being happy with myself and others. I've learnt to be more open with other people's faiths, to not feel haughty and proud because my faith is apparently the right one! I am one faith among many others, that share the same name with mine. Paganism is just one religion among many, and no one is entirely right or entirely wrong. It has taught me the Earth isn't my inheritance, but a gift and one that needs a lot of care with help from everyone, not just other Pagans. And that is why I became a Pagan.

Pagan Traitor

During Christmas last year, I attended a Carol Service at the beautiful Bath abbey. It's a gorgeous Church, the stain glass windows are beautiful and it's a wonderful building with so much history. The first official King of England was crowned there.

With the lovely Christmas lights and atmosphere, it was a wonderful evening. The choir was made up of Bath Spa University music students, who sung absolutely beautifully and as soon as I got home, on my laptop, I praised their efforts and the incredibly welcoming atmosphere on Facebook. I received several comments from friends who hadn't been able to go or had been part of it. But one that really stood out was a Pagan friend, who left just one word:

Traitor.

Cue my horror and my Christian's friends anger. I never felt I was betraying any part of my religion or deceiving my Christian friends around me. I used to love singing as part of my Christian choir in primary school. I love Churches for their architecture, their design and beauty. The solemnity and peace that can be found in Churches, is the same when I decorate my alter for Pagan festivals. I did not say the Lord's prayer, because I'm not a Christian, so I wouldn't pray to a God I no longer put my faith in. But I didn't go to the Abbey because I was a Christian or wanted to be one again. I had a lovely time with my friends and appreciated the readings, the music and the singing. There is a sense of togetherness in Churches, that can be sometimes hard to find or replicate in Paganism, because the Pagan friends you make in your own country are few and far between. The ones you meet online, living in different countries, provide support and knowledge. But I know it is not quite the same thing as a Christian Church.

Sometimes, I don't always feel welcome in a Church or as though I really belong there. When I visit my Polish cousins, and go to their Catholic Orthodox Church; I am left feeling nervous and uncomfortable, while I watch an old lady smooch up with Jesus (it's an Easter thing*). But I think that is more down to me and not so much because anyone there would treat me badly. There are Christians who have offended me, but more often it is out of ignorance or pride, rather than any real bad intent.

I feel appreciating other people's religions and cultures does not make me, or anyone else a traitor to their own faith or culture. In the same way, I listened to two young women having a conversation. One of the women was clearly a Christian (C) and the other was of Asian (A) decent. And it saddened me, more than I can say, to hear the Christian girl being so dismissive of other people's cultures and religions (even when she had not met this hypothetical person).

C: I could never marry someone of a different religion. I have to get married in a Church.
A: Not even if you really loved them?
C:...Well, their religion would have to be similar to mine or they would have to convert.
A: You could get married in a Church and then in whatever religious building they wanted to get married in.
C:...Yes...But what about our kids? Christmas would be really awkward if he didn't celebrate Christmas.
A: But pretty much everyone celebrates Christmas. Even I celebrate Christmas.
C: Yeah, but you don't celebrate it for the religion.
A: Not many people do. I like Christmas because of the family time, the decorations, the lights, etc. It's a wonderful time.

So this hypothetical person may not exist, but I can't help thinking how religion creates a terrible divide like this. For many people it doesn't, and for everyone it shouldn't. Even if there is a paradise beyond our earthly lives now, that shouldn't mean we are divided from people we could consider our friends, our neighbours and our loved ones. To cut yourself off from other people and other cultures, isn't a sign of strength, it's a sign of fear and weakness. By walking into a Church or any other religious building, we are proving that we wish to understand those around us and learn to appreciate a different culture that may be vastly different from our own. Pagans, Christians, Jews, Muslims, Sikhs, Hindus by doing this we are proving to ourselves and others there is nothing to fear from one another, and that the monsters are more often of our own making.

Blessed Be

Hades = The Devil? I Don't Think So.

How long? How long do I have to wait before I see a version of Greek Mythology that has not been Christianised within an inch of its life? Seriously, Hollywood, stop pissing me off...Well maybe not just Hollywood. I'm seeing a whole lot of this going on. And new Hercules...um...Gladiators?! Stop putting f***ing Gladiators in Ancient Greek films/tv shows.

Ah, hello readers. I shall calm myself and structure this into a proper argument.

As a Pagan, I am getting increasingly annoyed with how my beloved Gods are portrayed. Yes, I get it. You can't have a man-whore Zeus, a callous and jealous Hera and a not-quite-a-villain Hades in a Disney film. That's understandable. And in a way, as a writer, I completely understand new interpretations of Greek mythology; that has gone on for years and there are multitudes of different stories (some we probably don't even know about)!

I guess it's just all the romanticising that goes on. Myths aren't meant to be nice little fairytales (even fairytales aren't always fairytales - check out the original Brothers Grimm stuff, f***ing hell!). The main thing that's bugging me, is the way my friends (who aren't pagans or fountains of literary mythology knowledge), assume they know more than me about Greek mythology because they've read Percy Jackson or seen Atlantis (BBC TV Series). And all I can really do is sit there and shake my head. Because in reality, they only know the bastardised version of Greek mythology. The one that's been painted and preened till it's more wholesome and easier to swallow.

One of the reasons I chose to follow the Ancient Greek Gods, wasn't to be cool or unique, it was because they were more human than the Christian God I had followed. They weren't pinnacles of morality or righteousness. Half the time they did not stop the monsters, they caused them. Perhaps there's an immorality and a chaotic nature within me, that innately calls to that idea of passion and chaos. I don't want life to be easy and uncomplicated, where's the fun in that? You might say I am asking for trouble. Maybe I am, but the last thing I want in life is to live out a path that really means very little, either to myself or anyone else.

So in a way, I don't want to see my Gods neatened and dressed up, till they fit within a nice little Christian theme. Stop telling me and others that there is only good and evil. That for those of us who aren't 'evil', we won't ever become it or be able to understand it. And for those of us who are, there's really no escape from that path. Stop changing my view of life and death, for yours. I don't want to see your view of Hell, as my view of the Underworld. The respect and companionship we once had with Death, is now irrevocably changed. We now fear the expected, which is madness, yet we waste this current life worrying about it. Stop telling me that the Mother should be sweet and kind, the Father brave and resourceful and the Devil is without goodness.

I want my Paganism to be shown fully on TV and Films, without frills or censorship. I want there to be more than archetypes and stereotypes. And for once in all my life, I don't want to see Gladiator fights on an Ancient Greek film. Get those men entirely naked and running round a field! Or wrestling. I don't care, just make sure they're naked, check your historical facts first and then go to the myths for inspiration. There's nothing wrong with new stories and ideas, I just want some of my religion left behind when I see the final product and not a sweetened version of it.

What Do People Believe In, If They Don't Believe In God?

Warning: Contains swearing and Hannah getting grumpy, but mostly in the latter paragraphs. 

As usual my title is one of naturally stirring the pot and getting people talking. But I am religious. Am I a Christian? Nope. Am I a Jew? Nope. Am I Hindu? Nope. Am I a Pagan? Yes! I have been for seven years now, so don't start giving me the 'It's just a phase.' spiel. And while we're on this point, no I don't worship the Devil, I just don't worship your God(s). My particular choice in gods are the Greek Pantheon. I'm also a Witch (not a Wiccan or a dance naked round a campfire, ride a broom, have the devil suck on my tit witch), but this blog post has less to do about that.

One of the questions that I keep hearing, more so when it's Christians asking Atheists/Agnostics (sorry, it's just where I live and who I happen to be friends with, etc, I'm sure if I knew more people of other faiths, I'd also hear them saying it), is 'What do you believe in, if you don't believe in God?' Which, I always find a really strange question, even though I have a religious faith.

Perhaps it has more to do with Paganism than I think, that my religion teaches me this life is just as precious as the one beyond it. That everything has reason and validity to certain people, but just because one set of people don't find joy or purpose in something I do, that doesn't make it any less important. But we all exist on this earth, we should all make the best attempt we can to protect it and protect those we love, we should give respect and safe guarding to strangers who do us no wrong, even if they have different opinions or religions.

However, I would feel tempted to argue that to me, having a sole purpose in life is both unrealistic and a waste. My Gods don't give me purpose, my friends don't give me purpose, my family doesn't give me purpose, my reading and writing doesn't give me purpose. I give myself purpose. And all those things, altogether give my life purpose. I could easily believe in my gods, sit on my arse and do fuck all with my life. It wouldn't give me purpose. I could easily be an Atheist (I once was), make great contributions to society and have a wonderful family life. And it would be the most purposefully driven life I could live. Death wouldn't frighten me, because I would know I'd already done everything I could possibly wish to do.

That's why I find this question strange, because to me, life is not about one thing or the other. Is anyone solely a Christian? Or solely a Jew? Or solely a Muslim? Etc? No, I'd doubt that highly, unless you were completely fanatical. There's much more to everyone than simply belief. Are you a Mother? Or a Father? Are you a Student? Or a Teacher? Are you a Reader? Or a Writer? A Poet? A Singer? A Scientist?

Humans are all too keen in labelling things, putting them in boxes and stacking them neatly on the shelf. But hey, sometimes the corner of the boxes bend, sometimes there's too much stuff in a box and parts of it fall out, sometimes the person labels the box wrongly. And by believing that someone who has no faith, has no belief, is as detrimental to them as it is to you. If we all assumed based solely on one human difference, that there was no way to create a friendship from that, none of us would be able to get along in any way.

I used to be a Christian, and stupidly, I did think myself in some ways superior. I don't speak on behalf of all Christians and there are plenty of people who don't think this way. But I had this crazy belief that I was holier than most people, my closeness with God meant I was better than most people and in a way, I was kind of taught by my Church that not having God in my life would mean my life was a wasted effort. That nothing I did would have any real value. By having God in my life I had validation for everything I was going to do.

BOLLOCKS TO THAT!

For anything to have any real value or purpose in the first place, you, as a person, have to believe it has value and purpose. Why do I write? Does anyone really care what I have to say, either in fiction or non-fiction? Will it ever be published or produced? Will I achieve a form of national or international success? Fuck only knows. But I don't ever write with those things in mind. I write because I need to write. Because it's like breathing and eating and sleeping to me.

Generally, doing anything with a 'I'm doing this because...' in mind is a way of dismissing your work and achievements. It happens so often when Government education programs dismiss the arts, because being creative, working within a team and researching apparently adds nothing to society. It made me want to scream during A-Level Drama, because apparently knowing in detail about historical periods, psychology/sociology, literature, music, politics was completely useless according to Gove and his cronies. And we constantly end up having to explain that 'No, Drama is not a soft subject.' and that I had to do ten times more research in Drama, because it focused on how I would interpret a staged production, what I would do differently if I set it somewhere else. I had to research all of the above subjects and not only with a focus on drama, I explored Elizabethan society in depth and Greek mythology. Yet, apparently, according to people who want my A-Level to be meaningful to them, all I did was fuck around in class and pretend to be a tree.

So many people get put off from doing something, because they have to explain it and validate it to other people who don't care about it, aren't interested in it and never will be. Fuck validation and fuck purpose, fuck belief and fuck value. You shouldn't have to explain why you like crocheting or studying geology or baking or not worshiping any God. Belief is important, only when it is belief in yourself and things beyond yourself that are important to you. We don't need other people or a higher power to validate the work we do by accepting it. You can have a belief in God, there is nothing wrong with that at all, but you should always have other beliefs beyond that.