Why I Became a Pagan

I get this question a lot, both from Pagans and Non-Pagans. Pagans tend to ask because it often leads to some interesting insights into a person's background, hobbies, beliefs, experiences and so forth. Non-Pagans tend to ask because they want to know why you decided to sign up to the Devil's email address! I am, of course, joking. Non-Pagans tend to ask because they often know very little about Paganism and are curious.

In all my experience with other Pagans, I've tended to see a good deal more thought and time spent on making a decision to be a Pagan. If you asked me why I became a Christian, I would say I didn't really have much choice in the matter. I attended a Church of England primary school, I sung hymns daily, read from the Bible and said my prayers. Everyone else was doing it and for the other Non-Christian kids they had to stay outside the Hall. Sometimes I thought they were lucky not to have to attend boring assemblies. Only now do I appreciate how lonely and isolating those times must have been for them. My religious education (if it can be called that!) was severely lacking. I know very little about Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Sikhism and a multitude of smaller faiths. The only thing I remember from primary school was a story about the Prophet Muhammad comforting a crying Camel, and then drawing a picture of that (which I have since learned you are not meant to do...Sorry).

When I went onto secondary school it did not get much better, more attention was paid to the stories of the Hindu religion, a basic view of Sikhism and constant Christianity throughout. As fascinating and beautiful as those stories are, and as interesting as Sikhism was, I would've preferred learning something more about the basic principles of all the religions. I live in a country with a wide range of different religions and cultures, the fact I know so little about any of them feels rather shaming to me.

But I digress, I'll return to my main explanation. There is rarely one reason why a person chooses to become a Pagan. Everyone will walk down a different path and take different ways. Being a Pagan, well being any minority, is often difficult and complex. There is no right or wrong way to discover Paganism or to be a Pagan. But first I shall give some simple reasons as to why and then go into more depth further along.

• My Family
• My Reading
• My Experiences as a Christian
• My Experiences as a Atheist/Agnostic

My Family

My father originally came from a Catholic background, with accordance to his Anglo-Irish heritage. I am unsure where along the lines he decided to abandon his Catholic faith, but he has always been fascinated by science. He is a firm believer in evolution, the big bang and gravity. He's always taught me to respect nature, to take long walks, to appreciate where the food on the dinner table comes from. Knowing that food doesn't start out as nice slabs of pink meat wrapped in plastic, is the start of respecting the Earth and what she provides. 

He is rather critical of the Catholic Church due to the negative influence of the Church in Ireland. My Great-great Aunt was taken into a Catholic children's home, at the age of thirteen. We believe she was abused by the local Priest, became pregnant and was, of course, branded as a whore and blamed for her sinful nature. We know the nuns treated her awfully and forced her to give up the child. She was rescued by her sister, brought to England and it was never mentioned by my family again till much later.

My mother hasn't had much religious influence in her life. While my Granny has moments of suddenly remembering what a conservative Christian she is (I got in trouble for saying OMG!), they're both feminists, pro-choice, liberals. I've grown up around incredible, strong women. Half the time it's exhilarating and the rest terrifying, but it has made me who I am today and I will always be grateful for that. It got me the title of 'opinionated bitch who always has to be right.' or as I like to call it 'A Feminist'.

This caused a conflict between what I was being taught at home, and what I was being taught at school. While I was being taught at school to be a good girl, keep my legs crossed and wait till marriage, my mum was teaching me you can do whatever you like when you're older, as long as you keep yourself safe and healthy. While I was taught being a Christian was the only right thing to be, my mum and dad were teaching me all other religions were right too and didn't deserved to be belittled. While I wondered why there was slaves, infanticide and holy wars in the Bible, my parents were teaching me all these things were wrong.

My Reading

I read voraciously as a child. I especially adored Fairy Tales and Myths & Legends, I  practically became addicted to Greek and Roman mythology. In my adult life I still enjoy reading mythology, and looking further into historical fiction and fantasy. I've also studied historical periods, essays on psychology, feminism, religion and so on. My reading has fueled my interest further while I progressed through college and then onto university. It has been something that has guided my reading of most texts. My reading of Ancient Greek texts lead to my beliefs in the Ancient Greek Pantheon. While my reading of the Bible highlighted the many issues and problems within, that I was not meant to view as problems when I was a Christian.

My Experiences

When I was a child I was bullied daily, I had petit mal epilepsy and social anxiety. I became heavily reliant on Christianity to save me from my predicament. At first my beliefs guided me to think that as I was such a good Christian that I should be saved, that I was deserving of saving. If Christians had to suffer then I was certainly suffering, therefore I would receive God's grace. I prayed every night, asking God to bless my mother, my father, my brother, to feed the hungry, heal the sick and to stop the bullies who found every possible way to make my life miserable. When this didn't happen my thought then turned to whether I had done something wrong. Perhaps even in a past life. God was punishing me because I had been wicked and I deserved what was happening. Even now as I write this, this train of thought seems absolutely fucking crazy. But it led me, combined with the bullying and the tiring and emotionally draining medication I was on, to become suicidal. I was nine years old and I believed God wanted me to feel that way. But I had no way out, as suicide was a sin.


Just before I left my school I decided God was not answering my prayers, there was no God willing to help me and so I became an Atheist at the age of ten. On my last day of school I received a Bible and I couldn't help thinking, as I shook my headteacher's hand, 'How ironic!' I left school and realised there was no one to help me, bar myself, my friends and my family. I could not rely on any God, I had to rely on myself. This is something I've taken beyond being an Atheist, as a Pagan I still see it as vitally important that a person is able to rely on themselves and not seek out some grand metaphysical being to deal with all their problems. But being a Pagan has taught me so much, that being a Christian did not. I've learnt that loving myself is not a sin of pride, but a necessary way of being happy with myself and others. I've learnt to be more open with other people's faiths, to not feel haughty and proud because my faith is apparently the right one! I am one faith among many others, that share the same name with mine. Paganism is just one religion among many, and no one is entirely right or entirely wrong. It has taught me the Earth isn't my inheritance, but a gift and one that needs a lot of care with help from everyone, not just other Pagans. And that is why I became a Pagan.

Why Nobody Cares About Fanfiction

So today I was lying on my bed, being ill, and thinking to myself 'What's the most dangerous title I can use on the internet...?'

I'm joking! And the title is only partly true. Why does nobody care about fanfiction? Being a Lit and Creative Writing student, in all honesty, I'm surprised people don't notice it more. It's a powder keg of imagination and amazing ideas...and most people are just like 'Fanfiction...girly fantasies...probably with a Mary Sue or two and some smut." Now, I'll admit it, some fanfictions are like that and I may have read one fanfiction that was like that...or two...The point is, while there is some truly god damn awful stuff that makes me want to cry and tear out my eyeballs; there is also some really exceptional literature on there. And a lot of that work deserves a mainstream audience and deserves to be published. Now I don't often say to people their work deserves to be published, because I'm a critical bitch like that (seriously, I used to relish reading my friends' essays and getting out my red pen...it's like a nerd high). But for those of you who did get the 'This should be published' comment, that's the highest Hannah accolade you can achieve! So well done to you guys for achieving that if you have done.

It saddens me that a good deal of the fanfiction universe is dismissed as delusional. Having written a lot of fanfiction, I often feel that I can't bring it up amongst my family or friends (even those who are writers and love the fictional universes created in the books they are reading). It's seen as a waste of time, not only by family and friends, but by critics and authors as well. Which is ironic, seeing as how popular sequels and prequels are in mainstream publishing, even if they're not written by the original author. I still feel ashamed of writing any of my fanfiction, because I've been told it's not worth anything. I can't show it to a publisher, I can't show it to a teacher or even my parents. I can only share it amongst people who are just as passionate about a fictional universe as I am, some of them I've never even met in the flesh before. Fanfiction should be a compliment to an author (unless you're doing some truly whacky stuff with the characters). It means an author's story didn't just linger in that person's mind, they pursued it and explored multitudes of different stories, characters, beginnings and endings. We all to easily lament children's unwillingness to read or write, yet when they are inspired by a book, film, tv show and want to write because of that, we then treat their efforts as futile and a waste of time because it isn't completely original. Let's face it, not even Shakespeare was original, some of his best work was 'borrowed' from another writer! Romeo and Juliet, Othello, etc. And his work was often better than the original writer. Romeo and Juliet stopped being a morality tale of 'This is what happens when you disobey your parents, you die' story to 'The greatest romantic tragedy ever told.'

Yet fanfiction is one of the most amazing steps in internet communication and uniting people within a fandom. Unlike mainstream publishing and media communications, fanfiction tends to be solely written and read by women. It often creates a supportive and helpful environment, assisting new writers with their growing talent and creating a place where information and news can be shared. I shared my excitement with my regular reviewers of being published in an online magazine, I know one girl who often talks about her upcoming book deal and the wonderful thing is there are people who are excited about this and eager to help in anyway they can. That girl has a strong supportive background from all her regular readers, who will then be willing to purchase her new book. It's networking and proof of talent at its finest.

Why on earth would anyone be dismissive of a growing literary community like this? Encouraging young writers and extolling those who are going onto proper publication? Fanfic writers don't make any money or really gain much acknowledgement, certainly not from literary circles. The only reason they write is because they have to. With any story told there are dozens of other stories that come from that, and I for one believe strongly, someone like Tolkien would have been more than happy with this effort. He might not like the style of the story, who we ship the characters with or where the story ends up, but he was a man who loved mythology and the idea of stories stemming off from stories. He wanted a new mythology to be created and it truly was, and continues to be so. I think the idea of a pure form of literature is ridiculous, because we all interpret stories in different ways. I read Lord of the Rings with previous mythology and religion in mind, while someone else may read it with World War One/Two in mind and how this changed Tolkien's views of the world he lived in. Writers themselves do not just have one original story that they write from beginning to end and then publish. They edit it and change plots and subplots, add or get rid of characters. I know in one of my fanfictions I decided to delete something like ten chapters I had written, to take the story in a completely different direction, because the original story was no longer working.

So put down that 50 Shades of Shit...not even going to lie, it's awful. I got to the first page and it already disobeyed writing lesson 101 - Thou shalt not have a character sit in front of a mirror and describe their appearance. I won't even mention about what happened when I skipped to the first sex scene *shudders*. Below are some truly amazing fanfiction, mostly rated T-M (if you don't know what that means, you soon will do!) and please give them a try. It's not all about the fluff and smut, it's not about putting together two unlikely characters and expecting them to miraculously full in love. These writers know what they're doing and they do it well. The stories are incredible, the characters are fully formed and certainly worth the hours put into writing these tales.

A Rose Among the Briars - By Mercury Gray - Lord of the Rings - Boromir/OC
Heart's Desire - By Aerus - Lord of the Rings - Eomer/Lothiriel
Rider of the Mark - By Zeesmuse - Lord of the Rings - Gamling/OC
Receiver of Many - By Kata Chthonia - Greek Mythology - Hades/Persephone 

Here's the link to my fanfiction page: https://www.fanfiction.net/~1607hannah